Kailey's Foot Funk Scale of Craziness

In the past 9 months or so, I've discovered quite the trend: Crazy people have disgusting feet. The crazier they are, the grosser the feet. It's uncanny; foot nastiness is an excellent predictor of how much my shift is going to suck.

Now, I'm sure someone out there is thinking: "Wtf, Kailey, all feet are nasty, how can you tell someone's mental state from their toenails?" My response to them: You've never seen a crazy person's feet. Take Norm, for instance. God knows he takes the cake...and probably the pie, too... for craziest patient. His feet were beyond words. But "beyond words" only works for me and the other unfortunate people that encountered those feet, so I shall try. Lemme paint you a little picture...and have the puke bucket at the ready. First of all, his feet were purple-ish and sprinkled with an oh so wonderful layer of cheesy dry skin. Gross? Certainly. The worst part? Oh no, we're just getting started. What really puts Norm leaps and bounds ahead of anyone else is his toenails. They were gnarled, chipped, about 3" thick and all sorts of strange colors. And oh yes, we can't forget the little chips that he cracked off...resulting in some awesome bleeding...while he flailed to try and get out of his restraints. And, of course, we can top off all this foot fun with an odor that, well, let's just say that I work at a hospital so when I say something reeks, that really means something.

On the flip side are my many other, much less crazy patients. They've all had feet that were nasty to some degree. The crack head last week was dry, scaly and had nail issues but he was fairly coherant and other than that whole crack problem, wasn't such a horrible guy. The hallucinating lady this evening had gnarled toes and 6" long nails; however, if she takes her medicine, she's apparently very nice. And, well, I'm sure if I'd have seen Oviraptor Man's feet, they'd have been just as icky as his fingernails, placing him just behind Norm on the Foot Funk Scale and certainly in craziness.

Ok, so there's the gold standard and some comparison for crazy person feet. And now I present my scale:

• 0-- Normal, hygenic feet. As feet go, they're not so bad. You are likely normal.
• 1--Manual laborer and ballerina feet. They've been abused and are probably a little deformed. See Rebecca's feet. You might be a little goofy sometimes.
• 2--Old people feet. Ask Grandpa to take his socks off after Christmas dinner. They're horrible, and let's face it, old people start to get a little crazy.
• 3--Diabetic old people feet. #2 but worse.
• 4-- (here is where true mental illness sets in) Very dry and scaly. Toenails are a little gross but nothing a bath, some lotion and nail clippers couldn't handle. You are probably a little depressed.
• 5 through 9-- The dry, scaly awfulness gets progressively worse. Toenails begin to discolor and gnarl. Also, the stench ramps it up. You are probably biopolar, schizophrenic or otherwise nutty.
• 10--Norm's feet. You are officially the nuttiest person ever. In fact, you propose to several girls 1/3 your age, love your birds so much you pierce your nose with their leg bands and just can't seem to escape those voices. Even Charles Manson has prettier feet.